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Apr. 26th, 2010

rabit masks

(no subject)

Dear Diary,

I can't write anymore. Everything that leaves my pen is nothing by blotchy meaningless ink smeared in a series of unrelated lines and curves.

 

Hear me now, apocalypse king:
"these are deaf ears for which you sing."
The moon wouldn't have you, and neither will I
Behold the baroness of heartless stone
with your wicked eyes
your daily eighth is hardly an escape
in a violent sea where the bow must break.

 

Apr. 23rd, 2010

rabit masks

it's been a long while,

I haven't written in this journal in more than a year, and looking back at all of the worthless shit i used to post about made me feel like i needed to delete and essentially destroy that disgusting pre-pubescent nostalgia off of my public accessible memories. It's high time I got back to writing about things, and i have moleskine notebooks full of ideas and memories and stories and lyrics and poems and doodles that maybe would have been better suited to the cyber pages of internet hell. Things have changed since I last updated, and I think it would be kind of me to fill you in:

I'm 20 years old now. Scary, I know. I don't have nearly the same friends as i did in 2005-2008. I stopped caring so passionately about people who cared so little about me, I found it to be an exceedingly toxic situation and the cynic in me has grown to be who I am as of current. I write more, I read more, I paint more. I listen to completely different music, and you probably wouldn't recognize me if you saw me walking beside my 17 year old self. Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I had pursued certain relationships and goals and I just come to the same conclusion: shit. Everything would just be shit. It's shit now, but it isn't nearly as terribly off as it would have been with those people in my life, or those delusional notions in my head. I am entirely grateful for the development of who I am now. I'm not implying in any way that I am better. I'm meaner, and careless but I still love with conviction which is more than I can say for most.

I've been in several relationships since then, and journal I'm not sorry to inform you that none of them were my dorian gray dream boys, and none of them turned out to be those year, or two year long relationships that most girls pine for. My life is not a romantic comedy. It's a black comedy, one that only I can appreciate because I can understand myself and my blind ambitions. There were a few note worthy hectic crash and burn scenarios that almost felt cinimatic and that makes me laugh. I've learned that I am solely attracted to completely vain, reckless, and selfishly handsome and delusional boys. I say boys, because despite age they are all peter pan types. Living in some kind of alternate reality where they dont want to grow up and need some slight taking care of. They wanted to break things and have fun, and sure it was always an adventure but one that had to end eventually. I suppose I can't really articulate this in the fashion I would like to, but it really doesn't matter. To each experience is a new gain and twice as many losses, right? absolutely.

There are incidents and memories written in my paper journals that I am going to pen in here as often as i can until they're updated and immortalized for complete strangers to read out of chronological order.  I wont bother putting dates to them, or names because I would rather be as vague as possible. I don't want any one to read these things and assume they're about them, but I might, if you're the right person who is wondering, and I want you to wonder.

I should go to sleep.

night.

Jul. 29th, 2009

typewriter

I know you will eventually read this,

I just wanted you to know that i miss you and im glad we met.
So many things have changed because of you, and I wouldn't trade any of those experiences for the world.


 

Jul. 18th, 2009

rabit masks

everyone who lives will someday die and die alone.

Lately I have been stuck in somekind of a rut, and I mean its not as serious as cancer or anything. I just can't snap out of it and no matter what way I look at it all I see is self loathing.

The more I think about friends, and the relationship that I have with mine I realize Im not happy and neither are they (for the most part). Everyone wants limitless attention and its just not possible. Im not trying to make up excuses for being a shitty friend, I know when I have been guilty of it. I just can't help but wonder why I even bother having friends at all. There is so much of a hassle with hearing people complain about how difficult everything is for them, having to nurture, comfort, take out, spot lunch or coffee, hand out cigarettes, talk a bunch of trash, and eventually it all sounds and looks the same.
Day after day.
I realized that I can't make everyone happy, because nobody can have that and if they do it wont ever last. Im always bending over backwards to help others because im naive enough to believe that i might be the one who changes everything for the better for others just by giving a damn about what happens to them.  I never spend any time worrying about myself, and unfortunately it took somebody important to me to just flat out say it and hurt my feelings saying it for it to hit me like it should have in the first place, a long fucking time ago. Nobody is going to look out for me. In the end, all I have is myself. Myself to rely on and myself to blame.

I think I have some bridges to burn, and some apologies to make over the next few weeks.
Everything has been so frustraiting and ass backwards for me lately. Im always looking over my shoulder and im paranoid and fearful, and rude and callow and I dont like it. I dont need a change of scenery or a new wardrobe, or to pick up a hobby; I need to get my shit together and leave those behind who need to be forgotten.

Jul. 11th, 2009

serena shades

KJSDFHS,.

Hung out with Samm all day yesterday, she offered that we should invite mariah, but she probably would have said no and she told me she had plans to hang out with anthony anyways the day before. Bannon was supposed to be going home.

We went to Matilda's Closet, this vintage botique and then Forever 21 where I bought a skirt and a summer dress. I bought some makeup, and we got Chipotle for lunch/dinner and then we went to see Bruno which was a total waste of money. Afterwards we hung out with some of her friends and talked at Starbucks for a while. It was a nice change of pace.


 

The new Wiclo album is awesome.
Check it out.
 

Jul. 5th, 2009

rabit masks

(no subject)

Does anyone have the God Save The Girl album?
I can't find it anywhere but i love the way they sound.

Jul. 1st, 2009

rabit masks

fuck.

girl: i feel like clementine because if i could i would erase everything. all of it and start over, because i dont like anything about myself or the life i live. im sorry if thats not the response you were looking for.

boy: alright  well you can really do it whenever you want. its really easy. ill just forget it too
i dont really know why you are even still talking to me...

girl: i would be your clementine.

Jun. 10th, 2009

fridge girl

My Manic And I - Laura Marling.

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva, the mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him but the beauty of his death
will carry on so I dont believe him.


He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him and sometimes with scorn and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy.

By one in the morning day is not ended, by two he is scared and sleep is no friend, and by four he will drink but cannot feel it, sleep will not come because sleep does not will it and I dont believe him.
Morning is mocking me.

I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats until the ring on my finger slips to the ground.
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down.
And I dont believe him, morning is mocking me.

Oh the gods that he believes never fail to amaze me.
He believes in the love of his god of all things, but I find him wrapped up in all *manner* of sins.
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him.
I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill.
I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since lots have we parted and loss that I saw him and down by a river silent and morning was mocking us. Blood hit the sky.
I was just happy, my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes and birds were singing to calm us down. And birds were singing to calm us down.
And I'm sorry young man, I cannot be your friend. I don't believe in a fairytale end. I dont keep my head up all of the time.

I find it dull when my heart meets my mind
And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that we're ill.
And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that I'm ill.
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me.
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me.
My happy man my manic and I have no plans to move on.
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down.

Jun. 5th, 2009

bookstack

The Death Of Me - City and Colour.

Do I have nothing good left to say?
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
People love to drink their troubles away.
Sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way.

'Cause maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.
I know, I know.

So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

Maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

Finally, I could hope for a better day.
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind.
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy.
But then again I'll probably always feel this way.

At least I know I'll never sleep at night. (Sleep at night)
I'll always lie awake until the morning light. (Til the morning light)
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me.
My nerves will be the death of me.

My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

Apr. 25th, 2009

bookstack

survey thing.

Firstly: If you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question.
Secondly: Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

01. Make a list of 5 things you can see:
Neosporin
curel lotion
ipod
lighter fluid
mantle clock.

02. Would you ever get plastic surgery?
probably not.

03. Is there anything in your fridge right now that you would never eat/drink?
most of the shit thats in there. im too picky.

04. What's your occupation?
cashier.

05. Do you nap a lot?
lately i have been.

06. What was your first celebrity crush?
i dont know, james dean and/or leonardo dicaprio

07. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
vintage photographs/peter bjorn & john/ vans

08. What are you listening to right now?
Converge- Grim Heart/ Black Rose

09. What food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
5 cheese tortellini, and sonic tater tots.

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
myspace/tumblr/facebook/google

11. What was the last thing you bought?
curley fries at jack in the box the other night

12. What was the cutest thing you've seen today?
i have no idea.

13. Does the weather affect your mood?
hmm, sometimes.
like when its dark and rainy outside i feel wayyy more relaxed and content.

14. What is your zodiac sign?
the fish.

15. Name a song that makes you think about a ship/character that you like lately.
i have no idea.

16. Weird dream?
all the time.

17. Do you have any siblings?
one younger sister, and several older brothers.

18. What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
im just not that into you,
lol.

19. What are your plans for next weekend?
work/sleep/drink/laugh/spend money

20. Say something to the person who tagged you:
youre one of my best friends, and i love you to death.

I TAG:

</a></b></a>____exfirstlove
</a></b></a>thelostfish
movementsecho 
i dont even think i know 8 people on here. lmao.

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